From the Beginning
by Meg2
Summary: Follows Wolfsbane and Mistletoe. Spoilers for all 8 novels and W&M. Sookie sinks into depression in the weeks following Christmas, alarming friends and loved ones.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: the Sookie Stackhouse Series is the creation of Charlaine Harris. Don't sue me Charlaine! I love your books.

I.

I sighed as I took off my apron, set aside my order pad and pen and prepared to leave for the day. It was already the second week of January and I'd worked every day the past week, some days a shift and a half. My feet ached and I was tired to the bone. Coming to terms with the idea that I might never get paid for my work in Rhodes for the Queen of Louisiana, I was determined to save money to assure I'd have my property taxes and insurance covered and a nest egg for those unforeseen expenses that always seemed to pop up. As I removed my purse from a shelf in Sam's office, Sam looked up and regarded me quietly. I stiffened, sensing he was headed into unwelcome territory.

"Sookie, are you really doing okay?" he questioned gently. Sam had been saying all week that I was not myself.

"I'm fine thanks, just tired" I replied, trying to keep any edge out of my voice.

"Sookie, I really think you're working too much. Can't you take it a bit easier?" he said.

"I need the money, Sam. I never got paid for my work in Rhodes and all that time off work with no compensation means I really need the income. I've got bills to pay. I'll be fine. Really."

"Well," he asked in a gingerly fashion, "what does Eric say about the money the Queen owed you?"

I stiffened. "I haven't talked to Eric in weeks, Sam. Before the takeover, he had asked Sophie-Anne, or someone in her retinue about the payment but there was no response. I'm not assuming that Felipe's going to pay off her debts and I'm not asking Eric about it again because I don't want him paying me because it isn't his debt." I'd lost my battle with sounding edgy and in fact, I felt like I was on the verge of tears. Between financial worries and not having spoken to any vampire, let alone Eric, in weeks, I was not in a happy frame of mind.

"I'm headed home, " I said brusquely. "Don't worry about me, Sam, I'm fine."

Sam hesitated. "Sookie, Eric called the other day asking you to call him. I gave you the message. Didn't you call him back?"

"Honestly, I haven't had time, Sam. Besides, was it really Eric or was it Pam? Or Clancy? Or Felicia? " Oh, I hated myself in that moment, sounding like a whining child! "It must not have been important because they didn't call back. One less problem for me to deal with then…." I turned on my heel and walked out of the office, not even giving Sam a chance to reply.

It was already well past dusk as I went to my car. It was quite cold and I shivered in the chilly mid-January air. I closed my eyes and inhaled. The air smelled crisp and cool and almost like it would snow. Snow. Eric would like snow. That thought plunged me right back into a dark place. I felt like slapping myself, but instead just got into the car, started the engine and headed toward Hummingbird Lane.

As I drove I thought about my resolutions for the New Year. Not too different from last year. Resolved: no getting beaten up, shot at, or bombed. No more getting hurt. I thought about adding 'no boyfriends' to the list because that situation was certainly not a promising one. Talk about getting hurt… Between my experience with Bill and Quinn, I was seriously questioning my judgment in the boyfriend department. My mind slipped back into thinking about Eric and I groaned. I seriously needed to snap out of it.

I arrived at home to find the porch light on already and a few lights on inside. I drove around the back, parked and entered through the kitchen. Octavia had been in Shreveport for the past couple of days, staying with friends. Amelia's car was still there, though. Everything sounded quiet in the house, however, and I found a note on the kitchen table from Amelia. "Out with Tray". I sighed. Maybe it was better to be alone. After all, even Amelia seemed to be walking on eggshells with me lately. I'd snapped at her just this morning. I flashed back on my conversation with Sam and felt a tinge of regret that I had sounded so curt with him.

I went to my room and changed out of my uniform, put on a pair of worn, soft jeans, and a light pink sweater. Old, but soft and comfortable. I brushed my hair out of its ponytail and looked at myself in the mirror for several minutes. My eyes filled with tears. I just hated the way I was feeling these days. I felt like I was caught in a whirlpool and getting sucked down… into what? "What's _wrong_ with you?" I said to my own reflection.

I went to the kitchen with every intention of having something to eat but found I just had no appetite. I put on the radio and started cleaning the refrigerator instead. A rather unnecessary task with a roommate like Amelia, but hey, I just wanted to keep myself busy. "Where were you a year ago?" the announcer blared on the radio. Time to change _that_ station. I settled on another channel with soft and soothing pop.

Humming along with the radio, I moved on to dusting. Again, mostly unnecessary. I picked up a porcelain bird that had been a favorite of Gran's and was overwhelmed with an immense feeling of sorrow and loss. I missed her, missed the simple feeling of being loved, so much. I began to feel flooded with sadness. I just felt hollow, empty. The radio began playing "What If You". "What if you, Could wish me away , What if you, Spoke those words today, Wonder if you'd miss me, When I'm gone, It's come to this, release me …" Thank you, but _no! _not right now_… _and I burst into tears. I strode across the living room to the kitchen and abruptly turned the radio off. Tears streamed down my face. I tried to pull myself together, taking a deep breath.

A sharp knock at the front door startled me. I hesitated, but walked toward the door. I wasn't expecting anyone.

"Who is it?" I asked a bit unsteadily.

"Sookie, it's me" answered Pam. I glanced through the peephole and sure enough, Pam cool, pale face was on the other side.

I sighed, groaning a bit internally. I brushed my eyes and cheeks with my sweater sleeves over my hands and forced a smile onto my face. I opened the door, surprised to find Pam dressed for work at Fangtasia in a black leather dress. Her hair was pulled up. Even though it was freezing, she wasn't wearing a jacket. I swept my arms in a gesture to her, as if to say come in. Pam was a vampire whose invitation to my home had never yet been rescinded. We were, in a weird way, friends.

"Hi Pam, Happy New Year" I said trying to sound chipper and smiling broadly.

She walked in, regarding me carefully, but without comment. After a moment she glanced around as if looking for Amelia.

"Amelia's out for the evening" I offered quickly.

"The Were?" Pam countered, with a look of distaste on her face.

I hesitated. Amelia's date was her business, but I knew she did count Pam as something of a friend. Vampires disliked Weres and I didn't want to say anything that might lessen Pam's regard for Amelia.

"I see," said Pam, immediately taking my hesitation for confirmation.

"So what brings you to Bon Temps, Pam?" I replied quickly in an attempt to steer the subject away.

"Well, Eric sent me to collect you. I'm taking you to Fangtasia, to talk with him." She said this firmly and clearly, as if it was an established fact and that I had no choice in the matter. She crossed her arms to signify that she was not going to take "no" for an answer.

"Well, I appreciate that you may be 'doing his bidding' Pam, but I really don't appreciate the thought that I'll just drop doing whatever I'm doing and go off with no notice." I held my breath, seeing how that was going to go over.

"Sookie, Eric's been calling you for days and you don't reply. We know from the Shifter that you've gotten at least one of the messages and I spoke to Amelia at dusk. You're coming with me to Shreveport, now, tonight. I don't think that _cleaning_ is a good enough reason to say no. And I think you ought to think about how you're going to be explaining ignoring Eric's calls."

I absorbed what she was saying. Had she been watching me from the outside, through the windows? Had she seen me in tears? Damn! And _what_ other calls? Suddenly my insides lurched. I hadn't had my cell phone turned on for days. Amelia told me when I breezed through the kitchen this morning that I had to return phone messages. I had barely listened and left for Merlotte's without eating breakfast, and without even replying to Amelia. I walked over to the answering machine in the corner of the room to see two messages saved on the machine and several notes in Amelia's clear, broad handwriting:

______________________________________________________________________________

**Sookie- Calls**

Eric called. Said he left message on your cell. Wants you to call back.

Eric called. Message on machine. Sounds pissed.

Would you please check your cell phone? Message from Eric on machine.

Pam called. Says hi. Says you better call Eric. Might come tonight.

______________________________________________________________________________

So Amelia's going out tonight now looked as an attempt to avoid Pam's arrival and being drawn into the whole situation. Great. But she _had_ tried to tell me about the messages. And I couldn't blame her for not wanting to tell me outright that Eric had been calling. I'd been so moody of late. The last time she had even mentioned Eric and Pam, I'd burst into tears and left the room.

I glanced over at Pam and felt sheepish. "I haven't had my cell phone on in days and it seems that Amelia took some messages. She mentioned them, but I guess I really wasn't paying attention."

"Save it for Eric, Sookie.," she said, waving her hand. She looked at me intently. "What's up with you? You don't look well." She hesitated, as if trying to decide whether to continue. "You should change. You're not suitably dressed for the bar."

"Well, I didn't know I was going to be_ going to the bar_," I countered angrily.

"Come on, Sookie. You _are_ going to the bar. Change. Brush your hair. Try to make the effort to clean yourself up. It will cheer you up. If I take you looking like this, it will only make you feel worse. And… wash your face." That did it. She clearly knew I'd been crying. Great.

I hesitated. "Why do I have to go tonight? Is this some business thing?"

"Whatever business it may be, Eric isn't discussing it with me. He's discussing it with you."

I sighed. Okay. I'd change and go. I simply didn't have the energy to argue with Pam about it anyway.

I walked back to the bedroom and stripped off the old sweater and jeans. Standing in my underwear, I stared into my closet, and then at my dresser, unsure of what I wanted to wear.

"Sookie, you've really lost weight," Pam said from behind me. I jumped. I didn't know if I'd ever get used to vampires and their quiet stealth. I didn't reply.

I thought about wearing a dress, but that whole idea made me mad. Damned if I was going to dress up for a man I hadn't spoken to in a month, even if he had tried to call me. I still wasn't even sure if _he_ was calling me, or if Amelia's messages meant that Pam had been calling me for Eric. That whole idea annoyed me. But she had specified that Pam had called in one of the messages. What did Eric want anyway? Probably just more work. Well, that was good because I could frankly use the money. Maybe work for Felipe. I shivered uneasily at that thought and then pulled a pair of black denims and a red scoop necked sweater out of my dresser and put them on. Pam followed me to the bathroom and watched as I ran the hairbrush through my hair. I brushed my teeth, washed my face a bit, put on a clear lip gloss, and turned around to look at her.

"Okay, I'm ready to go."

Pam looked unsure. She was used to my taking much more care of my appearance than this. She hesitated as if to say something, but she turned to leave the room instead.

I went to the closet in the kitchen and retrieved my jacket. After turning off some of the lights around the living room and writing a quick note for Amelia, who would worry if she came back to find me not home, Pam and I went out the front door.

It was cold and the air still smelled as if it could snow. I closed my eyes for a moment. When I opened them and turned, I was surprised to find that Pam had driven Eric's car. She very amusingly opened the passenger side door and motioned for me to get in, carefully closing the door after me. If I had been in a better mood, I would have laughed, because it seemed as if she was on a real mission to do Eric's bidding in careful fashion just as Eric would have done. She even checked to make sure I put my seat belt on before roaring off. These vampires really did drive like racecar drivers….

We barely chatted on the way to Shreveport, more my doing than Pam's. She asked me how Jason was doing but I firmly squelched that topic, saying that I didn't know and didn't have any interest in calling him. Sensing that was a dead end, she asked me about Merlotte's. After a few single word answers, she gave up talking and settled into a silent drive. Shortly before we got to Fangtasia, she surprised me by saying,

"You know Sookie, you need to take better care of yourself. You seem very unhappy. It shows all over you."

I stared at her. "Why thank you, Pam," I replied with a cold tone. "I'll just have to keep that little suggestion in mind."

She chuckled as she pulled up around the back of the bar. "That's more like the Sookie, I know," she said with a wink.

She got out of the car, but I sat in the seat for a few moments longer, quavering internally. I really didn't want to get out. I felt very conflicted. Part of me was so angry at myself because I really wanted to see Eric. Another part of me was afraid, both because I hadn't returned his calls and because…. I really wanted to see Eric. I sighed heavily, feeling tired and vulnerable, got out of the car, and followed Pam through the employee entrance and into the bar.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: the Sookie Stackhouse Series is the creation of Charlaine Harris. Don't sue me Charlaine! I love your books.

II.

Fangtasia was loud and crowded as always. Pam took my hand, pulling me carefully through the crowds, toward the table that is always reserved for Eric. I tried to shut out all the music and the voices around me. I felt so nervous inside but then suddenly felt a distant warmth and… happiness. I was so unsettled by the contrast. This bond just never ceased to confound me. But I could clearly feel that this warmth was coming from Eric, after having days and weeks of my own… what, gray haze? It felt muted, distant, however.

Eric was sitting at his table with a bottle of True Blood, and was texting on a brand new bright red Blackberry. He glanced up as I approached and then motioned to Pam to leave. He pointed at the chair immediately next to him.

As I sat down, Felicia personally delivered a gin and tonic to me, along with a cautious, "Hi Sookie. Happy New Year." Felicia, who appears to think that she's only survived working as a Fangtasia bartender on my whim, looked at me to see if I thought the drink was okay. I made the effort to smile up at her.

"Thanks Felicia. Happy New Year to you, too."

Eric gestured that she should depart and she scurried away. He put down his phone and looked at me. He looked smashing, dressed in black leather pants, red silk shirt and the obligatory Viking belt. He just stared at me with those intense blue eyes. I blushed and glanced down.

"So, Lover?"

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. With a quick breath, I said "Eric, I'm so sorry about your messages. Sam told me you called and I know I didn't call back. I guess I… I haven't had my cell phone on for days, and Amelia took your messages but I didn't realize they were from you because I've been working every day and just got distracted and didn't even look to see who had called and…."

Eric cut me off at that point with a quick gesture that said "enough!" and just sat there looking at me intently. I felt like I was under a microscope. He started to speak and then stopped. Finally he said,

"Well, you're here now."

I raised my eyes to meet his. He looked… Gentle? Puzzled? Concerned? Was _Eric_ concerned? I tried to wrap my head around that one, but felt like I was looking at him through a fog.

"Have your drink before Felicia starts to worry you don't like it and will be responsible for her doom" he said, smirking. Pam had once playfully told Felicia that I was responsible for the deaths of the three previous bartenders at Fangtasia and that she had better stay on Sookie Stackhouse's good side. That Pam….

Sure enough, I glanced over at the bar and saw Felicia, though busy mixing drinks, was glancing over in my direction with a clear eye on my glass. I sipped a bit and tried to find some sort of inner calm. Eric toyed with his phone but said nothing.

I looked up at Eric again. His blue eyes still looked at me intently, questioning.

"So, Eric, why was it necessary to have Pam drag me here after a long day's work? Do you have a job for me, or…" I trailed off.

Eric looked away, pursing his lips a bit and then said… "Sookie, I've been trying to arrange to talk to you for the better part of a week. I guess I just got to the point where I thought it was better for you to come here to be sure we could actually speak."

I was puzzled. "What do you mean by that?" I said, feeling apprehensive but slightly annoyed.

He put down his phone and looked me directly in the eyes. "Well, you wouldn't return my phone calls, so I had no reason to believe that you'd let me into your house. It seemed best to bring you to me."

I felt like snapping back that his invitation to my home had not been rescinded in some time, but thought better of it. I was already in the wrong with the business of not returning the calls, and there was no reason to provoke an argument over "being brought" to him. These vampires. I felt like property at times. My emotions were oscillating between being angry and trying to be pleasant.

Eric paused as if somehow absorbing or processing something. "I'm sorry if you're annoyed, but we really need to talk. I've been feeling…" he paused for a moment and looked at me sharply.

I had begun to feel immensely anxious, and my breathing shifted. Eric had mentioned weeks before, immediately after he had regained his memories of when he had stayed with me a year ago, that he wanted to have a "talk", come to "an understanding". I suddenly felt trapped, like I wanted to run, as if I couldn't possibly consider speaking of that time, or of my feelings, or about any "understanding". I felt… panicked.

Eric suddenly reached out and grabbed my hand. I jumped, and he glanced at me, with a very troubled look on his face.

"Sookie, what is going on with you? Why are you afraid?" He looked at me, probingly, as if he wanted to see deep inside me. I pulled my hand away.

"I don't want to talk. And certainly not in a bar. I've been in a bar every day for the past two weeks and I've had my fill, thank you." I glanced away from him, and even turned away, looking out at the crowd.

Eric replied, "Yes, Sam told me that you had been working a lot. Extra shifts. Why?"

I tried to collect my thoughts. I had already asked Eric more than once about the money that Sophie-Anne owed me for my work in Rhodes. I was unpaid and had lost a fair amount of my professional wardrobe and a number of personal items in the bombing of the hotel by the Fellowship of the Sun. On top of that, I had missed work time from Merlotte's and was far from where I wanted to be financially in terms of paying my taxes, insurance and other bills. Damned if I was going to ask again about my money, however.

"I've just been keeping busy," I said quickly, relieved that the subject had veered away from any "talk".

Eric was silent for a moment, as if considering things. He spoke quietly, "I have told Felipe that Sophie-Anne still owed you money for Rhodes. I think he'll pay the debt, especially considering the service you rendered him. In the meantime, if you're worried, I'll pay you and he can reimburse me."

"No! Absolutely not!" I said, more loudly than I had intended. Quietly I said "I'm not taking anything from you. If Felipe, pays good. If not, I'll be fine. You're not covering Sophie-Anne's problem for me. No way."

Eric nodded slightly. He knew I was proud when it came to financial issues. "However you wish, Lover, but it doesn't seem worth it if you are getting so stressed. I'm certain that Felipe will forward the funds. I don't want you to be worried about it. But that's not why I asked you here…"

Feelings of anxiety fought their way back to the forefront. Eric stood up abruptly and took my hand, drawing me to my feet. He turned and pulled me seemingly in the direction of his office. As we drew closer to the back of the bar, my feet felt heavier and I had a feeling of dread. I had missed Eric so much in the previous weeks and months. Our entire relationship had fallen into shambles at various points over the preceding year. Then between Rhodes and the Nevada takeover, our lives had been like a roller coaster. My heart had been all but broken about a year ago and I had not really healed. I had, however, tried steadfastly to move beyond it. And now we were going to _talk_ about it? I felt like I had to get away. Literally.

"Eric?" I sounded uncertain. It was so loud in the club. "Eric!" Still pulling me forward, closer to the office. "ERIC!" He turned, and stood looking down into my eyes. He stroked a strand of my hair away from my face, with his hands on either side of my face. He bent his head lower and kissed me firmly. Part of me just wanted to melt, but the other part, the panicked part, seemed to explode.

I pulled away, much to Eric's surprise and said "I just can't do this right now."


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: the Sookie Stackhouse Series is the creation of Charlaine Harris. Don't sue me Charlaine! I love your books.

III.

I broke away from Eric and took off toward the employees exit, walking out into the alley behind the bar. I was breathing heavily in the cold, and shivering, since I had left my jacket inside on the chair at Eric's table. I paced nervously, absorbed in the feeling that I just wanted to get away from here, away from everything. I glanced around. Eric's car was there, but the rest of the alley was dark and empty.

I noticed a ladder on the side of the building. I looked up at the roof. I carefully climbed up onto the roof of the building. It was breezy and I shivered. The noise from the bar seemed farther away. It was quieter, calmer. I looked up at the cloudy night sky and made out a few bright stars through the thinner clouds. It felt like I had more breathing room with the sky above me. And I was blessedly alone. I sat down and leaned against some sort of vent, sitting on the cold roof. I remembered long ago sitting out on the porch roof of Gran's house at night, trying to collect my thoughts when I had felt frustrated or alone. Breathing room. I needed room to breathe.

I sat there quietly for several minutes, catching my breath, trying to find some sense of calm. I began to be aware of voices below and could clearly distinguish Eric and Pam. I didn't feel like calling out. Besides, I was sure that Eric could find me in seconds if he put his mind to it. Sure enough I heard the door to the bar shut and Eric gently alighted onto the edge of the roof. He had my jacket, which he tossed to me. He stood above me wordlessly, with arms crossed. He glanced around with a bit of distaste but sat down in front of me.

"Sookie, your choice of locations is a bit odd. But sure enough, we're _not_ in the bar. You and I need to talk, Lover." He sounded somewhat sterner than before.

I burst into tears. He just stared at me as if I were completely foreign to him. Through my tears, I said "Eric, I just can't talk about it, okay? Can we just skip the talk? Yes, it all happened. Yes, you remembered. Fine. Over. Done. Okay? I'm glad it all worked out and that you remembered and now you can feel back in control. We don't need to talk about it. It's _over_."

"Sookie…" His voice sounded so gentle now. He reached out to take my hand. "Sookie, I don't know how you did what you did. But it's obvious that it's left you very hurt. We do need to talk about our time together. We must. And I know a lot of the hurt that you carry with you from that time has to do with the way I… the way I behaved at times afterwards. I'm so sorry. I very sorry."

"Listen Eric, about the most I'm willing to say is that you were my friend, and I just took care of you the best way that I could. I knew what I was getting into, and it's done. So don't worry about it. It's over."

"But Lover, it's not over," he replied gently, stroking my hand. "We have real feelings for each other, Sookie. We were so happy…"

I twisted in anguish internally. Remembering things that I had really tried so hard to forget. I could feel Eric sensing my internal conflict through the bond, trying to move closer, to be _kind_?! Damn it! I pulled my hand away from his. If it wasn't bad enough to be so hurt, to have those feelings laid out so openly through the bond was intolerable. I _hated_ it. My sorrow and anger just welled up. I felt every bit as naked as anyone I'd ever read could possibly feel. The irony! I felt like my heart was breaking all over again and he felt he should be _kind?_ Then I just snapped.

I burst out "God, I hate this! I hate him for it!" Eric recoiled as if I had struck him and I felt a sudden welling up of emotional pain. I suddenly realized he must have thought that I meant I hated him. "No, Eric not you! Andre! I hate Andre. I hate him for putting me, for putting us, in this position! I know it's not your fault. I know you were only trying to protect me from something even worse. But I just hate it. I feel like I have no privacy. No peace. Sometimes I wish I had just gone ahead and had the bond with Andre, even though I know he would probably have killed me as soon as he realized he had no real power over me with it! At least I would have been spared this. I just don't want to go on like this. I can't stand it. I can _bear_ it."

Eric looked stunned as he regarded me silently for a moment. He looked as if he was trying to choose his words carefully. "Sookie…."

"Is it ever going to fade?" I interrupted.

He shook his head, silently. "Sookie, I … I had no idea that you were feeling so…" Eric seemed really caught off guard by my emotions. Even as upset as I was, I was struck by the fact that glib Eric, hardly ever at a loss for words, seemed not to know what to say. That made me feel not a little scared. I felt like I was just spinning.

"I don't want to live like this. I feel totally empty inside. I feel… so alone. I feel sad all the time. I miss my Gran. I miss feeling loved. I feel…" I couldn't continue. I erupted into tears again.

When I calmed down a bit again, I glanced up at Eric, who had moved closer. He now looked genuinely alarmed. He put his arms around me and kissed my forehead.

"Sookie, I wish I had known that you were feeling so low. You have to promise me- _promise me_- that you're going to make a conscious effort to do things that will make you happy. You need to rest. You need to be calm. I'm…" He looked at me as if he wasn't even sure of what to say. "Sookie, promise me you won't do anything rash. I need your word." He looked me directly in the eyes. "Promise me."

I felt odd then. As if all the pent up emotion was slowly ebbing away. Eric lifted my head by the chin so my eyes would meet his. "Your word, my Love." I nodded mutely. I felt utterly exhausted.

Eric gathered me into his arms and the next thing I knew we were on the ground in the alley. He placed me back on my feet gently, and took my hand to walk me back inside. He led me to his office with his arm around my shoulders, sat me on the couch, gently kissed my forehead and left the room. Pam showed up very shortly thereafter, looking concerned. She sat with me for several minutes, quietly. I was very out of it. At one point, Pam reached across and brushed a few strands of hair out of my face and tucked them behind my ear. I barely registered it. I felt numb. Eric returned with a glass of ginger ale, which he pressed into my hands. He spoke to Pam briefly in some other language. I thought I caught something about Claudine, but couldn't understand any of it. Pam rose and I couldn't really see what she was doing as she left.

Eric sat down next to me on the couch, with his arm around my shoulders. He kissed me again gently on my temple. Murmuring into my ear, "You'll be fine Sookie. We'll be fine."

I could not remember a time when I had felt more exhausted. "Eric, can Pam just take me home? I just want to go home."

"She will shortly, my Love," he replied. "I want you to promise me you'll really rest."

Pam returned carrying my purse and made a quick nod to Eric and handed him his phone. "Sookie," she said, "Are you ready to go home?"

I nodded in agreement. Pam put an arm around me as we walked toward the exit. Eric followed after and drew me away from her and held me in his arms. He kissed me tenderly and murmured something about seeing me the following day. I felt a burst of warmth flow over me, a burst almost as if it required effort to get it to flow into me.

As we walked outside, the awaited snow had begun to fall. I looked up into the falling snowflakes and sighed wearily.

Once in the car, I fell asleep on the way home, and awoke to find my cheeks wet with tears. As I got out of the car, Pam brushed them away, seeming to struggle to resist the temptation to taste them, brushing them instead on the sleeves of my jacket. Amelia met us at the door. As I went in, she spoke briefly with Pam. I wandered off to my bedroom and just managed to get my jacket and shoes off and fall into bed.

I awoke briefly in the night and had the vague impression that Bill was reading in the rocking chair in my room. That was odd. I fell back to sleep without even speaking. It had to be a dream.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: the Sookie Stackhouse Series is the creation of Charlaine Harris. Don't sue me Charlaine! I love your books.

IV.

The next morning, I awoke well after 10 am, starting with alarm when I looked at the clock on my nightstand, thinking I was going to be late for work. I turned to get up only to find Claudine in lying on my bed with a stack of Amelia's Witch Monthly magazines.

"Sweetheart, where do you think are you going? You're under strict orders to rest."

"Claudine, I think I'm going to work, where I'm on the lunch shift in about all of 10 minutes."

"Sookie, you have several days off from work, starting immediately. Already a done deal. Some woman named Tanya is covering for you." She smiled warmly at me. "Now, what shall we have for breakfast?" she asked excitedly. "Pankcakes? Belgian waffles? Beignets? French omelettes? Fruit?"

I simply stared at her. This was surprising. Could Claudine actually cook? And who asked Sam to give me time off, anyway? Back to the idea of Claudine cooking… how surprising was that?

She giggled, as if reading my thoughts on the matter, and said "Oh, no. But I'm still thinking… pancakes with strawberries!" With a snap of her fingers and a pop, two trays appeared in the bed, loaded with pancakes, butter, syrup, strawberries and fluted glasses of juice in a really odd color- bright magenta. "You're going to love the juice" she said with a giggle. "Don't go telling Niall I got you drunk, okay?" She clinked her glass with mine.

The magenta juice was incredibly sweet and delicious and flooded me with feelings not unlike sunlight and fresh spring air. I felt suffused with happiness from drinking it. Suddenly, I was ravenous. The pancakes were delicious. Claudine looked very proud of her culinary efforts. When I'd stuffed myself, with a snap of her fingers the trays and their remnants disappeared.

"I just can't imagine dealing with dishes." sighed Claudine. "So what would you like to do on your first day of leisure?"

I stood up and looked out my windows to see a yard blanketed in snow. After a quick survey of myself, I decided a long, hot shower was the first order of business.

I emerged from my bedroom 25 minutes later feeling better than I had in days. I had changed into a pair of soft gray sweatpants, and a warm LSU sweatshirt that Jason had given me and headed out to the living room. Claudine, Amelia and Octavia were speaking in hushed tones over on the couch and stopped speaking as soon as I entered the room.

Amelia rose and gave me a quick hug and pointed toward the dining room. "You had a delivery while you were in the shower."

I turned and went to the dining room. Two dozen long stemmed red roses stood in a beautiful crystal vase in the center of the table. I walked over guardedly and took out the card. I opened the envelope to find a card written in a firm, old fashioned style- "Yours. Really. ~E." I felt a curious warmth spread over me, from the inside out. I thought to myself that this seemed, given the vampire sense of possessive pronouns, to be a rather strong statement. But I smiled and folded the card closed and put it in the pocket of my sweatpants. I turned back toward the living room. Claudine, Amelia and Octavia had been speaking in hushed voices and again broke off as soon as I entered. I resisted the temptation to try to read Amelia, who was an especially strong broadcaster. However a quick glance at her suggested that she was already on guard against any telepathic incursions.

Claudine rose and said, "Sookie, let's go get some fresh air. We can play in the snow."

"Is this so I don't get a drift of what you're talking about?" I said rolling my eyes.

Claudine giggled and gave me a hug. "It is indeed, little one. So move it and change into something warmer."

I went back to my room and changed into a pair of dark corduroy slacks, a light cotton shirt and a soft lavender cashmere sweater that had been Gran's. I put on my boots, grabbed my jacket and headed back out.

Claudine was still in a lightweight frothy outfit that clung to her every ample curve. Sensing my questioning, she snapped her fingers and was immediately clothed in warm outfit from head to toe. Bright pink with some sort of soft fur trim that she quickly assured Amelia and Octavia was fake fur. She pointed to the door and out we went. After more than thirty minutes of running, throwing snowballs and sliding on a few drifts, I was laughing and Claudine seemed happy with the pink in my cheeks. We built a small snow man and she named it Claude, laughing heartily. I hadn't played in the snow like this since I was a child.

We returned to the house and spent the rest of the afternoon playing Scrabble with Amelia and Octavia, painting each other's nails, and watching an old movie. I fell asleep on the living room couch as Claudine gently brushed my hair. I was happier than I had been in weeks.

Shortly before 5 pm, Amelia and Octavia announced they were going out. Tray was meeting them for dinner. Claudine looked a little edgy, first looking at the clock and then glancing at the fading light outside. It got dark early in January. I sensed that she was expecting the arrival of someone. Based on the time and her edginess, I took it she was expecting to be relieved by a vampire. It had become abundantly clear throughout the day that I was not to be left alone other than bathroom time. I had noted that even my razor was missing from my bathroom when I took my shower. Yesterday seemed so far away. I couldn't imagine what I had been thinking, let alone saying up on that roof at Fangtasia.

Around 5:20 pm, when the last of the light was gone, a knock at the door startled me. Claudine rose. I looked through the peep hole to see Bill. I opened the door and Bill walked in and kissed me on the cheek. He was wearing a flannel shirt and khakis. No jacket. I casually looked out at the snow. Brrrr! Quite a walk across the cemetery from his place to mine.

"You look _much_ better!" he said, confirming that my middle of the night vision of him in my rocking chair was real.

Bill paused and glanced across the room at Claudine. He nodded politely and then looked studiously away. His nostrils were flaring a bit as he caught her scent. Best not to go after Sookie's cousin…

I walked over to Claudine to give her a hug and a kiss. "Thank you Claudine. You're really already an angel to me. You've warmed my heart. Thank you for caring for me."

She smiled softly at me and snapped her fingers producing another flute of the magenta juice. "Have another one, just to be safe." After handing it to me, she kissed my cheek and popped.

Bill looked at the juice curiously. "What is that?" he asked.

"Honestly Bill, I couldn't begin to tell you", I laughed. "It's like sunshine, spring air and happiness in liquid form." I sipped from the glass and felt flooded with warmth, even more so than in the morning.

Bill gasped softly. "That is some fae concoction, Sookie. It makes you give off a glow a bit- all rosy."

"Well, whatever it is, it's like balm to the soul. I guess Claudine wouldn't give it to me if it was bad for me. Can I get you a Blood?"

Bill and I sat down at the kitchen table and played Scrabble for about 45 minutes, drinking slowly, laughing and talking like old buddies about all the Bon Temps news and Bill's recent travels. We had history, Bill and I, but we were finally working our way past it. We could, perhaps, be truly easy friends. Bill was suddenly silent and appeared to be straining to hear something. He nodded a bit, then stiffened and seemed all business again.

"Eric is here, so it will be time for me to leave. Sookie, I hope that you'll continue to feel better." He kissed me tenderly on the cheek. He rose and opened the kitchen door. Eric filled the doorway. He was wearing a simple black T-shirt and jeans. No jacket. Just like Pam. Just like Bill. These vamps and their resistance to cold!

Bill nodded his head to Eric deferentially. They seem to confer silently and then with a nod, Bill departed.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: the Sookie Stackhouse Series is the creation of Charlaine Harris. Don't sue me Charlaine! I love your books.

V.

Eric headed toward me, looking me over carefully before swooping down and wrapping me in his arms. "You look delicious, Lover" he said with a smile. He kissed me gently and then, as if first seeing how that went, more firmly and passionately. I moaned a bit, and he chuckled. "You smell good enough to eat."

He pulled away from me and regarded the remaining magenta juice. He picked up the flute and sniffed at it hesitantly, shaking his head a bit. Then he stood back and looked at me as if studying me. "Claudine seems to take her work quite seriously" he said.

I suddenly remembered myself. Gran would have been shocked. "Can I get you a drink?"

Eric laughed and tousled my hair. "Sure, my Love. That would be good while we wait."

"Wait. For what?"

"For that charming grandparent of yours…" he intoned with quite a vein of cold sarcasm.

"Niall is coming? Whatever for?"

"I have requested that he come and explain a few things to you. Before the apology…"

"The apology?" I said, more puzzled than ever. "What would he be apologizing for?"

"My Love, when was the last time that you saw Niall?"

"On Christmas Day. In the afternoon. I made an early supper for us. He stayed and talked to me for several hours."

Eric hesitated. I got the feeling he was worried he would upset me. "What else do you remember of your holidays?"

I paused and thought. I remembered working the day before Christmas Eve. I remembered Christmas afternoon with my great-grandfather. But…. Everything in between seemed… out of focus. Amelia and Octavia had been out of town with their families. Sam had been out of town. I hadn't seen Bill. Or Pam. Or Eric. I had a vague recollection of speaking to Jason on Christmas Day. But everything else… it was as if it was simply missing time. I suddenly felt a chill in the core of my being. I trembled a bit. Something was very wrong…

In an instant Eric had his arms around me. "Just breathe, my Love. Don't go back to that place. You're here with me." He handed me the flute with the remaining magenta juice. "Drink up my Love. Every drop."

I hesitated and looked up at him. "What happened to me?" I looked suspiciously at the drink. The 'fae concoction' as Bill had called it.

"Trust me Lover, Claudine means you no harm. Drink up."

I did trust him. And Claudine. But what had happened to me? I thought back over the past few weeks. It was like looking back into a chilling dark vortex that just wanted to suck me into its wake. I felt as if I was kept from spinning back into the vortex by the thinnest of glass walls. I shivered. Looking up for a moment at Eric I nodded, then downed the last drops of the juice. I felt suffused again with warmth. And I felt Eric's warmth and pleasure looking at me through the bond.

"Eric, what happened to me? I really need to know."

"Niall will explain it, Lover. At least if I have anything to say about it."

Eric distracted me for a while with some expert kissing. He seemed hesitant about going too far with anything. Okay, we _were_ expecting my great-grandfather, so we did have to be careful. But he finally paused at one point and told me,

"Lover, we still have to have our conversation, our understanding. I hope that over the next few days we can explore things." He looked at me with great seriousness in his eyes. "Sookie, I want you to promise me that if you ever get as depressed as you were, that you will tell me. You gave me such a fright. And Pam, too. Promise me."

"I honestly don't know what was wrong, Eric." Which was true. "I wouldn't have known what to tell you, if I'd talked to you."

He leaned forward to kiss me. With his finger under my chin he looked deep into my eyes and I just felt like I'd melt… "I think the best solution is to never let you get too far from me, Lover. But we'll have plenty of time to discuss things." More kissing. I had to say, I felt far less inclined to push him away than I had in many months. I felt secure. I felt loved. Even if he wasn't saying it. Was it Claudine's drink? The bond? Was it real? I turned these thoughts over in my mind, while seeming to float in the passion of his embrace.

A firm knock on the door brought me out of my reverie of questions. Eric stiffened and did not look happy. I straightened myself out a bit, and walked to the door and opened it to my great-grandfather, Niall Brigant. He was almost as tall as Eric, beautiful, glowing, breathtaking. But right now, he looked both tired, and somewhat annoyed.

He stepped in and regarded Eric, who was standing a mere foot behind me with his hands on my shoulders, carefully. Eric bowed his head to Niall, but as I glanced up, I saw that he looked at Niall in a not too friendly fashion. The last time I had been in the presence of these to men together, things had felt far more cordial.

I stepped forward to kiss Niall. "Grandfather. Can I get you anything to drink? Wine?"

Niall's eyes flashed on the flute in my hand, which had held Claudine's drink. He narrowed his eyes and he observed me carefully. "Well," he said, nodding to Eric, "it seems that Claudine has already put things right."

Eric looked at him coldly. "Yet I think you're going to tell us exactly what you did, so we know there's no chance of it ever happening again."

Niall looked at Eric with disdain in his eyes. "I don't see the need Eric. She's fine now."

Eric started to anger. I could feel it growing through the bond. He stepped closer toward Niall, who held his ground and shone brightly. I really did want to be caught between these two, over a thousand years old, men if they started a fight. The prospect was rather frightening.

"We had an agreement, Niall. When I agreed to introduce you to Sookie, you promised me that you meant well. Whatever you did, however it was intended, you drove her to the edge of despair, cut off the positive ties in our bond to each other, and left a web of magic and lies around this house that took two fairly adept witches several days to eliminate. They have no idea what had happened here. And I'd like you to explain." Eric was almost seething and his fangs were starting to run down. I felt quite alarmed. (Wow, so Amelia and Octavia had sensed something was wrong?)

"Grandfather, I want to know what happened. I need to know. I've spent two weeks feeling like I was being sucked into a vortex. I've been crazy depressed. And I do mean crazy. I've forgotten an entire day of my life." And boy, I could really feel for Eric right now having lost even more time than that…

I stood in between them, and gently pushed Eric back toward the couch, while motioning Niall into a tall backed chair opposite. Suddenly, my grandfather looked old. Then his eyes flared as if he was angry, though at who or what I couldn't say. He sighed and settled himself into the chair. I sat on the couch, close to Eric, feeling sheltered and safe with him.

Niall looked at me gently. "Sookie, my child. I gave you a gift for Christmas. A gift of companionship."

I felt Eric stiffen and a cold chill of anger ran through the bond. But he waited, as I put my hand on his arm, signaling that I wanted to hear Niall out.

"I created some circumstances that would allow you to have some companionship for the holidays, since," and here he looked coldly at Eric, "you were alone without friends, and without loved ones or family for your holiday."

I tried to steel myself. "What _kind_ of companionship, Grandfather?" I was dreading the reply.

Niall regarded me carefully. For the first time he appeared to grasp something. "Sookie, when you and I discussed your bond with Eric, you did not tell me the extent to which you were bonded. Since you claimed involvement with another, I did not surmise the depth of…. the affection that you bore for Eric." I felt myself turning bright red. I felt like I was naked at a party where everyone was well dressed. "This was perhaps a mistake on my part. On," and here he glanced again at Eric, "_all_ our parts."

Suddenly, the corner of a memory began to flow into my mind. Something I had somehow suppressed. A man. A Were. A… I gasped. I had been tricked. Magicked. And something in that magic had damaged my emotional connection with Eric enough so that it felt horrible, negative, depressing. Instead of the warm, whirring background that I had grown accustomed to whenever we were apart, even for any length of time, I had felt a black emptiness that stretched out almost infinitely. I had felt the complete absence of the person on the other side of the bond, as if he wasn't there at all, but the bond still trailed out from me. I shivered.

Eric put his arms around me, holding me closer. "What's wrong?"

I stared coldly at my grandfather. "There was a man. A Were. You sent him?" I pondered for a moment, grasping at shreds of memory. A fast changing Were. Like nothing I'd ever seen. But how? Suddenly, I knew. "He wasn't a Were at all was he? What was he grandfather? What?" I was filled with a sense of horror or anger or anguish or fear or embarrassment. It was really hard to tell because it was all mixed together. I had been tricked, and seduced, by a man. Again. And at the behest of my great-grandfather?

I was surprised that rather than reacting aggressively with Niall, Eric's focus was more on keeping me together. With an arm around my shoulders, he tenderly held my hand with his free hand, whispering words of comfort in my ear as I tried not to cry. He seemed to really grasp the impact that this was having on me.

Niall sighed. "He was a fairy Sookie. A fairy with a gift for changing shape. And before you go any further, yes, there was magic. And I did not intend to harm you or bring you anything other than pleasure. He used his own magic to light a spark. My magic was intended to suppress your bond to guarantee your privacy. I didn't not count on its lingering effects on you, or on the effect that the entire situation might have had emotionally on you. I miscalculated. I made a mistake."

"A mistake?!" I squeaked out. "A mistake?" I was breathing rapidly but trying to stay calm. "Why on earth would you think of trying to give me… such a _gift._ How could you assume that I should not choose for myself what I wanted and who I wanted. How could you employ trickery to get me to do something that I wouldn't do of my own accord. Why!?" A chill ran down my spine. A fairy? "What if I had conceived a child? _How on earth could you have done this knowing what sorrow something similar had brought our own family?!_"

At that last part, Niall closed his eyes and bowed his head. He simply had no reply to that. I was too breathless to even think further.

Throughout the conversation Eric had been silent. I felt, at that moment, many emotions flowing through him. Anger, jealousy, protectiveness, regret, guilt, love. Love. He looked over at Niall. "While your mistake, as you wish to call it, was a terrible one, I have made my own by not speaking clearly before now. I realize that Sookie is your kin, and I know that the Fae have no great regard for vampires. Nonetheless, well before you came into Sookie's life, I can firmly tell you that she was mine. She is mine. She is staying _mine_. You know what that means among my kind. I do not take what you have done lightly. But because you are her kin, I will assume that you meant no harm to her. Any further attempts to manipulate her, or me, through yours or any one else's magic, will be regarded as badly intentioned. Am I making myself quite clear?" His fangs were run down even more now and I could see that he was quite angry, but still managing to keep himself under control. Nonetheless the basic message was, do it again and I'll rip you limb from limb even if I die in the process of doing it.

_Mine._ I felt so tight in my chest that I could hardly breathe. His? Always the possessive? Just as I was cringing while thinking that, an odd thing happened. I was wearing the same sweatpants I had worn earlier in the day. I suddenly was very aware of the card from the floral arrangement, still in my pocket, almost like a source of warmth. _Yours. Really._ I glanced at Eric and saw his strain as he tried to be civil and not think about getting into a fight with my great-grandfather. I realized that the Eric I had loved a year before, the gentle Eric, the passionate Eric, was still there, inside this fierce man. That he was tempering his anger for me, because family was important to me. That his concern of a day before, and apparent dropping of everything in order to safeguard me, was the same that I had seen again and again. How many times had he been there for me? Taken even crazy risks to keep me safe? I had once told Quinn that I wanted to come first. And I had told myself that Eric would never put me first and that all he cared about was his business, and vampire politics. I had been naïve. I had been so wrong. I clasped his hand and looked at my grandfather.

"You've asked me what I wanted so many times but you could not give me what I need, which is simply love and family. I would have been happy if you had just come to visit me, and if I was still sad you could have sent Claudine and Claude to make me laugh and feel less lonely. Or if you had reminded my friends and loved ones to call me. I want simple things, grandfather, not grand schemes." I hesitated. No, I had to forge ahead. I had to. "And for the record, I love Eric. We love each other. I hope you accept it, because I really don't think it's something you can change unless you want to really damage me irreparably."

I felt a swell of great emotion on Eric's part through the bond. He did not stir, however. I couldn't bring myself to look at him because my own feelings were so intense.

My grandfather once again looked old, and weary. "My child, I never intended you or your lover any harm. I will leave you. I hope that you can forgive my mistake. I have known few telepaths. I had no way of predicting how your mind would absorb the magic I wrought. Claudine appears to have given you a sufficient remedy. She is very adept at judging these things." He hesitated, but rose and walked to the door.

I rose and walked with him. I looked up at him, trying not to blink as the full brightness of his glow shone onto me. I thought oddly of Bill and then of Sophie-Anne, whom I had liked in spite of everything she had done to my life. I could not hate my grandfather. I could not bring myself to hug him and kiss him goodbye, however.

"Grandfather," I said slowly, "I think we will have to begin again. From the beginning. With an emphasis on really listening to one another. With your respect for my choices, my wishes."

He seemed very surprised by this. "My child, it would be my greatest wish."

"I'll call you," I said. "You will have to give me some time, however."

He shone brightly as he gazed down on me. I felt a wave of genuine affection from him. He glanced up at Eric and nodded, as if acknowledging something.

With that, he crossed the portal of my home, and disappeared in a brilliant flash and a quiet pop.

The instant he disappeared, I heard a hushed voice behind me. "I love you Sookie Stackhouse. I love you."

I turned to look at my Viking, his arms open wide to grab me in a hug. And with one deep breath, I stopped running from Eric Northman, from my memories, from myself. I allowed myself to be folded into his arms, and passionately kissed. And when he looked into my eyes questioningly, I could say with all my heart that really and truly I was his, and he was mine. The joy that flooded my heart was mixed with not a small bit of confident lust.

"Ah," he sighed, "and you even smell like fairy!" With a rumbling laugh, he said "I'm really going to have to have my way with you, Lover." And with that, he picked me up and off we went.


End file.
